Reduce, reuse and recycle. Up until last week, going green was fairly simple: plant a tree, turn off a light, maybe buy a tomato from the guy down the street. That was until the Discovery Channel saw a huge green revenue stream and created “Planet Green.” It calls itself 24 hours of “eco-tainment” because really, if we want to save the earth, let’s not waste time with science. Not when Hollywood has so many pretty people willing to bring their fabulous “eco-lifestyles” to 50 million homes full of ordinary riff-raff who need designer guidance. 

Planet Earth is apparently one big variety show with lots of celebrity regulars. I guess thinking about ways to help the planet is a good thing. We should probably be pleased that Hollywood, known for faddish addictions, has replaced starvation and hanging with Paris Hilton with something a little more substantial. 

Using Hollywood as a measure for environmentalism is like making Amy Winehouse the poster child for clean living. But let’s be fair and forget that the privileged are never ever at the mercy of the very real horrors of over-consumption. It’s easy to treat the earth like a fashion accessory when things like famine and drought will never darken your door. And let’s also avoid the one glaringly obvious way to go green: turning OFF the television.

Planet Green is mostly a grotesque exercise in self-congratulation. It should be viewed carefully because, personally, Ed Begley Jr. makes me want to drive a Hummer to the North Slope and kill a polar bear.

“Living with Ed” is just one celebrity-centered program featured on Planet Green. In Ed’s defense, he has lived a green lifestyle way before it became a status symbol. Therefore, it’s hard to truly believe his wife, Rachelle, is as eco-challenged as she appears on the show. Why would a guy so entrenched in green living marry someone who so seemingly isn’t? Maybe it’s because she’s smoking hot. The reeky dreadlocked girls one generally meets in the health food store wouldn’t get poor old Ed’s picture into People magazine. 

But far worse is “Hollywood Green.” Its website states the show “delivers the latest in news regarding Hollywood stars and starlets who are going green while making headlines in movies, TV shows, and music.” It’s like “Entertainment Tonight,” only greener. And stupider. One segment featured the cast of “High School Musical” and how they, like, totally want to save the earth. So they have this special garbage can for recycling water bottles cuz they drink a lot of water cuz, OH MY GOD, they, like, dance all the time. And one time, someone put, like, a sandwich in the recycling can so they had to, you know, fix it. But it was totally okay cuz it’s for the planet. Ya know. 

The same program did a feature about the newly released Hulk movie. Green: a lifestyle, yet also still a color, apparently. During the filming of the movie, a section of Toronto was turned into a New York City street. The scene featured lots of burning cars and explosions because nothing says eco-friendly quite like pyrotechnics. And yet another segment spotlighted Alicia Keyes, who we learned got depressed once and went to Egypt.

Was the plane green, Alicia?

I realize this is a small snarky sample of what Planet Green has to offer. There are also a number of home improvement shows along with others that appear more informative and less glossy. Perhaps the new network needs to find its stride, and Hollywood types are a good way to get it on the radar quickly. 

Hopefully, Planet Green will come to the conclusion that celebrities can’t entertain us out of the global trouble we may be in nor can we buy our way out of it with hybrid cars or eco-friendly T-shirts. Perhaps the true green revolution will come only when we have no choice—when real change is forced upon us because we have exhausted all other ways around it.   

Until then, if it’s eco you’re looking for, plant a tree, choose paper over plastic and carpool.  If it’s entertainment, I recommend SpongeBob.